What Does It Take To Be "Bold Enough?"

Linda: Welcome back to Bold. Enough. I'm Linda Beard, your host and also the author of the upcoming book Bold Enough. I shared with you, Hugh, during the launch of, uh, the podcast that I had a very special friend, or have a very special friend that told me that I was detached. And I'm so excited because she is on the show today. But before we start talking with her, I want to share with you a few things. One is I made the decision to be bold enough, and I'm asking you, are you ready to be bold enough? But I didn't really go into a lot of detail on the launch of my podcast to say, what does it take to really be bold enough? I just shared with you that I started being more me, but along the way, I had to do the hard work. And that hard work was really, really hard work. So when you are answering the question, are you ready to be bold enough, just understand that it is really, really hard work. And that hard work is really grieving. It's really forgiving. It's healing. And many of us don't want to heal. We don't. We want to just act like it never happens. Well, you cannot be authentically you if you do not get rid of the baggage. And I shared with you that I got rid of about 25 pounds of, um, mental baggage, but it was probably four, five, six times more emotionally, because it is very, very, very hard to have to go back and to grieve where you never grieved and to forgive when you haven't forgiven, whether it's yourself or others. And I had to do that hard work, but it is so worth it on the other side. And so today, my guest, Barbara Jackson, my friend, a grief recovery specialist, but more my friend said to me, and I shared this with you listeners, she shared with me that I was a detached person. And I can only imagine what she saw when I looked at her and said, what? But she will share that side of the story and why she said what she said. So I'm going to share with you that if you have a friend that is really willing to tell you the truth, that's a friend, and that's being bold. That's taking a bold action. And my friend, Barbara, I want you to know that not only do I thank you, but you were the vessel of me being where I am today, um, to be bold enough, to be authentically me, and to have the freedom at, um, a level that I never dreamed that I could ever have. And for that, I am so grateful. And I feel so great that I want all, um, of the listeners and viewers out there to know that if you decide that you're ready to be bold enough and to be authentically you, not only can you do it, even though it's hard work. You are so worth it. That other side, just day by day by day is beautiful. So what did you see in me, my behavior? What was it that you were bold enough to say and love me enough to say as a friend, not just as a Greek recovery specialist, but as a friend, when you said, I am a very detached person, and I looked at you like, are you absolutely crazy? So what was it?

Barbara: Uh, first of all, thank you for having me on the show. Um, when we would have conversation, one of the things that I began to do was to ask questions. I consider, um, myself to be a very spiritual person, and we've been knowing, uh, each other for 29 years, and so I've just said, so when you're having a conversation, there's usually a mutual back and forth. And when I would, like, maybe bring myself in, it you would go back to yourself. And I began to think, okay, um, is it just me, or is this with other people that she's around? And she met this really great guy, and I'm hoping that she's not having that same kind of conversation with him. And then I began to think, she's talking herself out of this conversation and some other things. Uh, what's happening? What can I do? So I continued to be quiet and listen, because I was like, she obviously has a lot to say.

Linda: She has a lot to say.

Barbara: So I stood there and listened, and mhm I was like, well, maybe is this the right time for me to bring this up? It may just be. Today, we both retired. The next couple of conversations we had, I said, the same thing is happening. What can I say that would edify my friend? And I began to see, like, a cocoon. I began to see that you weren't free.

Linda: Wow.

Barbara: Yes. And I began to see, this is the Linda from 29 years ago. What happened? And we both know what happened. And so I thought, okay, if it keeps happening, I have many resources, but the one that I'd like to see her start with would be this one. So finally, we were standing in her kitchen, and I said when, uh, I did get the opportunity to talk, I said, I feel like you're disconnected.

Linda: I know. I remember that day in the kitchen when you said that I was disconnected. And I'm like, my friend, she really have lost her. She's insane. She's lost it. Because, of course, I'm not thinking I'm disconnected. Right?

Barbara: Yes. When you're broken, you don't think you're broken.

Linda: You don't think you're broken.

Barbara: Right. And you usually have. You know how we are. We try to have things our ducks lined up in a row. We have things together.

Linda: Exactly. And that's one thing that I want the viewers to understand is that you can look like on the outside that you have it going on. And if somebody would have looked at me, they would say, oh, wow, she's the boss. I mean, she's got all of her ducks in a row. Seriously, on the outside. But we're talking about being bold enough to be authentically. You the inside. We're working on the inside. And then you can express your style. Of course, you see how I express my style so many different ways, but I am good on the inside.

Barbara: And you're exactly right. That is what I saw. And I began to ask more questions. I didn't say them to you. I was like, Come on, Linda, there's more to you. You're not free. There is more. I see it. It's on the inside. You need to see it. And so because I'm such a spiritual person, I have this way of pulling those, um, things out of people. And I was like, you can let the roller stay in your hair. Come on, be real. This is me, right? I'm okay. Um, you can have your hair stand on top of your head. You could be driving in a broke down car and be authentic. I began to notice those things, and I got so tickled, I got in the car after I told you, I started crying. I started just meditating and screaming, and I was like, not her.

Linda: But one thing that you did do, not only, um, were you nice about it, telling me that I was a detached person and disconnected, another thing that you did is you said, I know, um, that you may not quite understand this. I remember you sharing that with me, and you shared with me about getting a particular book, and I told you I was going to order it, and I don't think you believed me that I was going to order it. I did order it. And then you shared with me, well, you know, I'm a specialist. We can walk through this together. And I'm like, yeah, okay. Um okay. Still being very, very private, right, and trying to figure out what this disconnected and it is. But I did get the book, and you did share with me that at some point there will come a time and I will open the book. So I probably had the book maybe a week to ten days or so. And honestly, I shared with you. I got the book. I listened to you telling me that I was detached and disconnected. We had several phone calls, and I was like, okay, I'm going to really try to figure this out. And you kept saying, I'm here for you. I'm here for you. And I'm like, yeah, okay. Um and tried to schedule times. It never worked out. I let my busy schedule get ahead of my healing. And being bold enough, I look for all kinds of excuses, and so I say that because you probably are too. But then I had that what they call the midnight hour meltdown when I finally picked up the book. So I was very, very hesitant to take in, I guess, what the next steps were for me after you said that. So I opened the book, and then I realize I am so disconnected and detached. And then that's when the emotional.

Barbara: I.

Linda: Guess the emotional impact, I guess, really hit me. So what do you think that the hesitancy is for most people about just being real, where they are, what they're feeling, what they need to do to be whole? Because I was broken. Right. Um, and didn't know it.

Barbara: Yes.

Linda: Okay.

Barbara: There are many reasons. It's really kind of hard to say. It's not like general all across the board answers. It depends on the person.

Linda: Right.

Barbara: But I will have to say I liken it to an, um, onion. As a small child, and you're growing up and having these interactions and relationships with people, there are significant emotional events that happen, and those things leave an impact on the soul of that person. They begin to, like you say, uh, the opposite of what I call peeling an onion. It's like putting mhm layers on. And those layers that they put on is so that they can survive being around the people that cause them the grief that they do. And then, um, they become these wonderful actors. And I think you said before about winning an Academy Award.

Linda: Uh, yes. I could have won so many after, I guess, covering my brokenness covering it for 29 years.

Barbara: Yeah. But the thing is that when you come to peeling the onion, it's very painful. I mean, there's a lot of tears, but I see it, too, being much more painful that you have to put the layers on in the first place.

Linda: Yes.

Barbara: Who are you at the core of who you are? You're loved that person at the core of who they are. And so sometimes I can see the layers. And I know some people might be comfortable there. They're used to it. They, um, may feel that they don't want to face, um, the pain. It would be more painful to face it. They also think that, um, depending on what's happening, they have to say goodbye to the person. When you're dealing with grief, there's going to be some people you will want to say goodbye to, but for the most part of it, you're actually saying goodbye to the emotions that have driven you to behave the way that you do. There, um, are people that think that if they do forgive, the event will be forgotten. And usually when you have a wound, there's a scar, so you can have the healing, but just say, well, um, this did happen, but I'm healed now.

Linda: Yes.

Barbara: Some people are just, um, comfortable there in pain they don't want to.

Linda: And you know what? You make us such a very good point, because I know when I started my journey of dealing with the pain. And going back to your onion analogy, when this pain was healed and this forgiveness was complete, and on and on and on, that I became so excited about the healing, even though it was so painful that I began to share with other people. In fact, I purchased five books, and I send them out to different people. I don't believe any of them have gotten through maybe the first page. But what I do know is that life eventually life eventually will have you to the point where you will be so tired. And I was there. I was at the exhaustion point. So as I think back about those emotions that night at the midnight hour, and when I finally picked up that book, I believe I was at that point, in fact, I know I was of where I've added on so many layers, as you said, that I was exhausted. I was exhausted of, um, going for that Grammy Award. Right? Because it truly is when you look the part and there's the perception that you are what you're looking like the part, the boss, that you have it all together, you can get so tired. And I think that's where I was. So it was definitely great timing because you've been in and out of my life seasons, always a friend, but there are friends that you just pick up where you left off. And for Barbara, I had not seen her, like, seven or eight years at the least. And we just reconnected. And I don't remember what caused us to reconnect. Was there a particular thing? But it doesn't matter. We reconnect it. And so I consider you like my divine angel, because I did not know that I was headed for the brick wall, but when I finally hit, you were there to guide me. And so, again, I am so appreciative of that. So even though that I have friends that have never opened that book, I pray that they will. Because what you saw in me, my eyes are enlightened that when I do see some of those friends, and even though they share with me some of their stories that I keep saying, Pick up the book, and what I'm really saying, it's time to be bold enough. It's time to take off those layers that we have put on top of us to portray a person that we're not. It's time. And it's an ongoing thing, right?

Barbara: Yes, it is.

Linda: Talk a little bit about that, because I talk about taking those bold actions every day to protect you. This is what I'm talking about. But I want you to hear directly from Barbara because she has counseled so many individuals. And I do find myself like, I'm ready to fight to protect myself no matter what, because I'm not going back to that 29 years ago or two years ago or three years ago, because I like being down to the core of who I am. And so I can look beautiful. I can look beautiful whether my hair is blonde or my hair is my natural color, whether I have contact lenses in or am I wearing my teacher glasses, jeans or an evening gown. I feel great. And it's okay to be vulnerable, because when you're vulnerable, you're free. And I learned that from you.

Barbara: Thank you.

Linda: So what would you say to the audience about starting this process? Because if they're ready to be bold enough, what do they got to do?